Breaking Free from Food Addiction: A Story of Hope and Recovery

I never fitted in. I always felt that my body was so abnormal and I did not look the same as everyone else. I not only looked different, but I felt different as well. I always had the feeling that I was the outsider looking in, that I had something missing , like a void inside of me. My eating habits were not quite the same as everyone else’s. I would continue eating even after I was full. I was so disconnected from my body that I couldn’t feel wether I was full or not anyway. I just had this lingering feeling of uncomfortability, dis-ease. In fact I felt restless, irritable and discontent in life and the only thing that made things a bit more manageable was food. The problem is that it would only help momentarily. I had to eat more and more and the frequency of my binges became closer and closer. It was harder to stuff my feelings with food. The uncomfortability grew and so did my inclination to use food to comfort myself. Whatever it was, it was progressive. My body just got bigger and bigger and paradoxically it help me to isolate and become more and more invisible. I tried other means to fix myself. I saw a therapist, several dieticians, a host of different diets, doctors etc. I was admitted for depression and anxiety as my downward Spiral just became darker. The people I consulted and the eating plans and lifestyle changes helped me so much. I was able to lose weight and felt better. It worked, but invariably I always always slipped back into my old ways and ended up bigger than I was before I started. I was so discouraged. I always ended up with a pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I could not fix myself-once again! This was the evidence that I was incapable of helping myself. I had tried everything and I exhausted all my avenues. I didn’t even want food anymore, I wanted oblivion. It was in this state when I Heard about overeaters anonymous. No, I lie. I had heard of them many times before. But I had an eating disorder, not an addiction. But after being denied as an unfit candidate for gastric bypass surgery, I had to concede to my innermost self that I needed help. My way was not working. So I went to a face to face overeaters anonymous meeting. There were people from all different sizes. I learned that oa welcomed any person with any issue with food. Overeating, restriction, bulimia, anorexia, compensating with exercise after eating and even ones I didn’t know of. It was uncomfortable at first and my hair was standing on end as I experienced a lot of resistance at first. They suggested that I attend at least 6 consecutive meetings before I decided if OA was for me. I went to 7 meetings until someone said something I didn’t agree with. So I left, for a while. I needed more evidence that I needed help. I returned and found people were even happier to see me than they were at first. I started doing the work. I got a sponsor who guided me through the steps. She said things that I had never heard before eg. Food wasn’t my problem, it was my solution. It did something for me, not only to me. I did not need to try and lose weight anymore- in fact I had to stop trying. I needed a Spiritual awakening attained through the 12 steps. I could use the 9 tools of recovery to help me achieve and maintain abstinence from the foods and eating behaviors that caused me to trip up. But I wasn’t alone anymore. I could recharge out and find out how other people were working their program. The chats over coffees were as important as the meetings as they helped me build a fellowship that I had craved. I was not working on recovery, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. One day at a time. It’s been 9 years since I started my journey. I have lost about half my bodyweight, but that’s not the biggest difference for me. I now have friends, I have God of my own understanding (or Higher Power as some choose to call it). I can ask for help. I can give to others what was so freely given to me. My pain and all my experiences are now my biggest asset because it helps a newcomer to identify and say the holy words : me too. Recovery is something I need to commit to for the rest of my life, but I do it one day at a time. The last 9 years have been hard and life can be incredibly tough, but I need to keep coming back. I’ve fallen off the wagon so badly so many times and have had extended relapses I invite you to investigate this avenue of the change you need. Contact oa.org.za for more information. Take a risk, send the email, pick up the phone. Come join us and you might just be surprised to find something beyond your wildest dreams, because that’s what it did for me.