THE 4 CONVERSATION STEPS
The R U OK Process
REACH OUT
AND ASK
USE YOUR
LISTENING SKILLS
OPPORTUNITY TO ENCOURAGE ACTION
KEEP ON
CHECKING IN
THE 4 CONVERSATION STEPS
The R U OK Process
REACH OUT
AND ASK
USE YOUR
LISTENING SKILLS
OPPORTUNITY TO
ENCOURAGE ACTION
KEEP ON
CHECKING IN
Whenever you notice someone that you care about isn’t themselves if there’s a change in what they are
doing or saying or if they are going through something, trust your gut and ask if they are ok? There is no one right way to have this conversation, but our 4 conversation steps RU OK? provide a helpful guide:
Whenever you notice someone that you care about isn’t themselves if there’s a change in what they are
doing or saying or if they are going through something, trust your gut and ask if they are ok? There is no one right way to have this conversation, but our 4 conversation steps RU OK? provide a helpful guide:
01 Reach Out and Ask
When you are thinking about asking, think about where and when you will ask. Choose a place that is private and where you will both be comfortable. Use your own language when asking, you could say something like you haven’t been yourself lately, are you ok? Or even something more specific like, I know things are difficult right now, how are you doing? This will help them open up.
02 Use Your Listening Skills
This is where you show them that you are HERE to HEAR. Listen attentively with an open mind and a non-judgemental attitude. Let them tell you, without interruption how they really are. Don’t minimize what they are going through or try and point out what they have to be grateful for. Don’t rush them and sometimes just sitting in silence is also ok. Sometimes just listening and showing them that you care enough to hear, may just be what they need. Make sure there is no judgement in your responses
03 Opportunity to Encourage Action
Once they have opened up, help them take the first step to lightening their load. If it feels appropriate, encourage them to get professional help from their doctor, or a therapist. You don’t need to have the answers, or fix their problems, but you can help them think about what steps they can take to start managing their situation. You can also help them think about what has worked for them in the past, or how they have overcome similar challenges in the past.
04 Keep on Checking In
Remember to check in again soon to see how the person is doing. When you are having the conversation, ask them when a good time for them would be, for example “Do you mind if I pop past in a few days to see how you are doing?” When you check in, ask how they are feeling and if they are managing to deal with their situation in a different way. If they haven’t done anything different, encourage them to reach out to someone who could help them start that process. Remind them that you are always there if they need to talk. Right now, all they may need is someone who will really listen. Don’t judge them for not seeking help, remember that sometimes it takes time to engage with a professional. Try and emphasise the benefits of getting professional assistance and propose different ways of doing this. If they have had a negative experience with a doctor, therapist or helpline, encourage them to keep trying. You could say something like “there isn’t one fit or solution for everyone, would it be helpful for us to try look at some other options for you to get through this?” Put a reminder in your phone to check in on them again in a week or so. If they are really struggling, you may need to check in on them sooner. Keep in touch and be there for them. Sincere concern and care can make all the difference.
01 Reach Out and Ask
When you are thinking about asking, think about where and when you will ask. Choose a place that is private and where you will both be comfortable. Use your own language when asking, you could say something like you haven’t been yourself lately, are you ok? Or even something more specific like, I know things are difficult right now, how are you doing? This will help them open up.
02 Use Your Listening Skills
This is where you show them that you are HERE to HEAR. Listen attentively with an open mind and a non-judgemental attitude. Let them tell you, without interruption how they really are. Don’t minimize what they are going through or try and point out what they have to be grateful for. Don’t rush them and sometimes just sitting in silence is also ok. Sometimes just listening and showing them that you care enough to hear, may just be what they need. Make sure there is no judgement in your responses
03 Opportunity to Encourage Action
Once they have opened up, help them take the first step to lightening their load. If it feels appropriate, encourage them to get professional help from their doctor, or a therapist. You don’t need to have the answers, or fix their problems, but you can help them think about what steps they can take to start managing their situation. You can also help them think about what has worked for them in the past, or how they have overcome similar challenges in the past.
04 Keep on Checking In
Remember to check in again soon to see how the person is doing. When you are having the conversation, ask them when a good time for them would be, for example “Do you mind if I pop past in a few days to see how you are doing?” When you check in, ask how they are feeling and if they are managing to deal with their situation in a different way. If they haven’t done anything different, encourage them to reach out to someone who could help them start that process. Remind them that you are always there if they need to talk. Right now, all they may need is someone who will really listen. Don’t judge them for not seeking help, remember that sometimes it takes time to engage with a professional. Try and emphasise the benefits of getting professional assistance and propose different ways of doing this. If they have had a negative experience with a doctor, therapist or helpline, encourage them to keep trying. You could say something like “there isn’t one fit or solution for everyone, would it be helpful for us to try look at some other options for you to get through this?” Put a reminder in your phone to check in on them again in a week or so. If they are really struggling, you may need to check in on them sooner. Keep in touch and be there for them. Sincere concern and care can make all the difference.
How to be a good listener
With our busy lifestyles and crazy demands, we have all developed some bad listening habits. To be a good listener we need to be more conscious of this:
• Don’t judge. Often we make judgements when we receive information and we start to formulate a response before the person has even finished talking. Whilst we are doing this we are already not listening.
• Don’t jump to conclusions before you have all the information.
• Don’t assume that everyone thinks the same way you do- allow yourself to get into the person’s frame of reference by listening carefully.
• Don’t listen with a closed mind. Be aware of your own values and be cautious about not imposing them on others.
• Do not try and multitask when listening to someone be fully present and stay off your phone and other distractions.
• Don’t give advise, offer platitudes or preach about religion.
How to be a good listener
With our busy lifestyles and crazy demands, we have all developed some bad listening habits. To be a good listener we need to be more conscious of this:
• Don’t judge. Often we make judgements when we receive information and we start to formulate a response before the person has even finished talking. Whilst we are doing this we are already not listening.
• Don’t jump to conclusions before you have all the information.
• Don’t assume that everyone thinks the same way you do- allow yourself to get into the person’s frame of reference by listening carefully.
• Don’t listen with a closed mind. Be aware of your own values and be cautious about not imposing them on others.
• Do not try and multitask when listening to someone be fully present and stay off your phone and other distractions.
• Don’t give advise, offer platitudes or preach about religion.
What if its none of my business?
It’s better to ask than not to ask. There is a fine line between respecting someone’s privacy and checking to see if they are ok. Sometimes it’s difficult or embarrassing to just ask RU OK? but it is better to start a conversation than to ignore your gut feeling that something isn’t right. People may not talk, or say that everything is okay, but just knowing that someone cares enough to notice and ask may make them feel that they are not so alone. Asking people if they are okay may not always get the response you expect but they will know that someone cares and the next time you ask, they may be ready to talk.
Managing difficult responses
Sometimes asking R U OK? may elicit an emotional response. Be prepared and accept that their reaction may be as a result of many things that don’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Allow them to express their emotions freely and vent. Practice active listening by really hearing what they have to say and reflecting what they may feel. Before trying to problem solve make sure you deal with the emotions they are expressing. Manage your own emotions by remaining calm and refraining from taking things personally. Being a good listener is one of the greatest gifts that you can give someone who is going through a hard time.
What if its none of my business?
It’s better to ask than not to ask. There is a fine line between respecting someone’s privacy and checking to see if they are ok. Sometimes it’s difficult or embarrassing to just ask RU OK? but it is better to start a conversation than to ignore your gut feeling that something isn’t right. People may not talk, or say that everything is okay, but just knowing that someone cares enough to notice and ask may make them feel that they are not so alone. Asking people if they are okay may not always get the response you expect but they will know that someone cares and the next time you ask, they may be ready to talk.
Managing difficult responses
Sometimes asking R U OK? may elicit an emotional response. Be prepared and accept that their reaction may be as a result of many things that don’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Allow them to express their emotions freely and vent. Practice active listening by really hearing what they have to say and reflecting what they may feel. Before trying to problem solve make sure you deal with the emotions they are expressing. Manage your own emotions by remaining calm and refraining from taking things personally. Being a good listener is one of the greatest gifts that you can give someone who is going through a hard time.
Dealing with powerful feelings
Sad or tragic incidents can be difficult and scary to deal with and they may make us feel vulnerable and helpless because we can’t take their pain away. If someone starts to cry, just sit quietly with them and let them cry. Sitting next to them or walking alongside them could be a lot less intimidating and uncomfortable than facing them whilst they cry.
Try and empathise and respond to how they may be feeling saying things like “it sounds like things have been really tough lately and you’re feeling desperate” or “There’s a lot on your plate right now, it feels like a lot to hold.”
Dealing with powerful feelings
Sad or tragic incidents can be difficult and scary to deal with and they may make us feel vulnerable and helpless because we can’t take their pain away. If someone starts to cry, just sit quietly with them and let them cry. Sitting next to them or walking alongside them could be a lot less intimidating and uncomfortable than facing them whilst they cry. Try and empathise and respond to how they may be feeling saying things like “it sounds like things have been really tough lately and you’re feeling desperate” or “There’s a lot on your plate right now, it feels like a lot to hold.”
Sometimes people feel angry and may respond in that way when you ask if everything is ok. If they respond in this way, you may reflect on this and say something like ï can see you’re really angry do you want to tell me about it?” Be patient and just listen to what they have to say, don’t rationalize or try to give another point of view. Don’t comment on their need to just have faith or dish out platitudes like “G-d only gives us what we can handle.” They may just need someone to hear them and refer them to the appropriate resources. It is important to note that rage is a big factor in the possibility of carrying out suicidal plans, the more rage, the higher the risk. When someone feels that someone/G-d/the world has wronged them, it is very unlikely that you will be able to provide them with a different perspective. Instead, show that you are listening but just reflecting on what they have said using phrases such as, “so what you are saying is…” or am I correct that you are feeling X because of Y?” To keep the conversation focused hear them out and then refer them to the correct channels so that they their complaints can be heard and dealt with.
Sometimes people feel angry and may respond in that way when you ask if everything is ok. If they respond in this way, you may reflect on this and say something like ï can see you’re really angry do you want to tell me about it?” Be patient and just listen to what they have to say, don’t rationalize or try to give another point of view. Don’t comment on their need to just have faith or dish out platitudes like “G-d only gives us what we can handle.” They may just need someone to hear them and refer them to the appropriate resources. It is important to note that rage is a big factor in the possibility of carrying out suicidal plans, the more rage, the higher the risk. When someone feels that someone/G-d/the world has wronged them, it is very unlikely that you will be able to provide them with a different perspective. Instead, show that you are listening but just reflecting on what they have said using phrases such as, “so what you are saying is…” or am I correct that you are feeling X because of Y?” To keep the conversation focused hear them out and then refer them to the correct channels so that they their complaints can be heard and dealt with.
If someone is feeling very anxious, make sure you have thought out where you are going to have this conversation.
Choose somewhere quiet and private, where they feel more comfortable to share. Use short and clear sentences but with a warm and caring tone. You can do this by staying calm and using a low and soft tone of voice. If their anxiety escalates, use slow breathing to get them to centre and calm down.
If someone is feeling very anxious, make sure you have thought out where you are going to have this conversation. Choose somewhere quiet and private, where they feel more comfortable to share. Use short and clear sentences but with a warm and caring tone. You can do this by staying calm and using a low and soft tone of voice. If their anxiety escalates, use slow breathing to get them to centre and calm down.